6. Put her in the mood

Men are more likely to be stimulated by visual images.  Something as simple as his wife’s smile, the flip of her hair, or her movements as she goes about her day may trigger feelings of passion.

However, acting on these impulses all of the time without considering that women need to mentally prepare for sex is counterproductive.  Often couples confine themselves to a very small definition of foreplay.  A wife may respond to hugs and caresses, playful attention, certain foods, or even conversation that is pleasing thus putting her in the mood.  There is a hadith where the Prophet (pbuh) implied that engaging in intimacy without foreplay could be considered an act of cruelty to the wife.

The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, "Let none of you come upon his wife like an animal, let there be an emissary between them." When asked what the emissary is, he replied, "The kiss and sweet words."

As women age, they may experience pain or tearing without stimulation that releases fluids for ease of entry.  Therefore, the strength of a good intimate relationship relies a lot on doing that good deed.

7. Communicate

Even after years of marriage, many couples may still feel shy about communicating sexual needs or sexual problems.  This is especially an issue for men who commonly do not want to give the wife the impression that they are anything other than strong and virile.

In some instances, there may be physical concerns that affect ability, desire, and frequency of intimate contact.  Couples may lie in silent frustration, too embarrassed to discuss so they start to grow apart.  Remember that you are both each other’s only halal means of sexual fulfillment.  Spouses have a right to know and assist when they find that the other has a physical issue that is affecting intimacy. 

As couples grow, they will learn how to speak of these things and maintain a certain amount of modesty in doing so.  Couples sometimes also feel shy about addressing frequency even if there is no physical problem.  Expectations of what constitutes ‘normal’ in the relationship can only be defined through communication.

8. Comfort each other

After intimate contact, couples need to take time to savor the closeness they feel in that moment. After intimacy, hold each other and talk to each other. Feel relaxed in each other’s arms and express feelings of love, dreams, goals or even concerns.  The natural closeness of this time should be cherished.

9. Prioritize

Married couples too often let the children and job/career obligations overtake them and their time.  Many therapists and marriage counselors report that fatigue is the number one enemy of spousal intimacy. When couples are preoccupied or tired from work, intimacy is usually one of the first things to go.

If couples get into the habit of delaying intimate contact, it often starts a pattern of having feelings of inadequacy or doubt.  This can then be translated into more frequent disagreements as we consciously or subconsciously act out our dissatisfaction with the situation.  No couple wants to find themselves in a rut where they feel intimacy is a thing of the past.

There is a solution to this problem and that is making each other a priority.  This takes a constant effort.  If exhaustion is really an issue, make a plan – find time to rest so that you can enjoy some time together. Make each other a priority.

10. Hooray!  It’s Halal.

Engaging in intimate contact stirs the craving for more contact. Intimacy elevates the brain chemicals associated with desire and happiness.  This human contact in marriage is ordained and encouraged for couples, so do it.